"Is it nice not being me? It must be so relaxing!"

The name of this post is a quote from BBC’s Sherlock, just in case you don’t know. First things first, I don’t have the delusion that I’m a brilliant genius like Sherlock. I’m intelligent, yes, even more intelligent than most people I see on daily basis. But I’m not a badass detective with a mind palace.

But anyway, that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about. I chose this quote because it fits another aspect of me. My phobias. In my introduction I said I wanted to write about my phobias and explain them. Today I won’t go into detail about one of them but I want to explain what a panic attack is like. We all now a certain level of panic, for example when we realize that we should have done something by now and we haven’t even started. *cough*homework*cough* But let me tell you, that panic feeling you feel when you wake up at night and realize you haven’t done your homework and can’t afford another reprimanding from you teacher is nothing.

It’s nothing.

If you’re female, then you’re probably familiar with menstruation pain. That nagging pain in your stomach that makes you feel like you will have to puke every minute. If you’re male, then just imagine a stabbing feeling in your guts that won’t go away whatever you do. A panic attack is similar. There is a trigger, of course. It can be anything, really. For a claustrophobic person it will be confinement, for someone afraid of heights it will be climbing on a chair. But there are many phobias out there, and most of them are irrational, and each of them have their own triggers. But without the panic a phobia wouldn’t be a problem. So, the panic attack. How does it start? For me it starts with seeing or hearing the trigger. Then my body immediately goes into emergency mode. That means the nagging pain in my stomach settles in. From my stomach it creeps into my chest, constricting it and making it hard to really breathe. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hyperventilate. I can’t afford that because I don’t want anyone to notice that I have a panic attack and a phobia. It’s easier that way. Because people ask. And then they cannot understand it. And that doesn’t help. Really. It does not help. (The first thing you learn with a phobia is how to lie about it. But I think that will be another post.) So, breathing gets harder. My entire body grows cold although I’m sweating. I don’t sweat buckets, but it’s enough to make me feel even more uncomfortable. My limbs grow numb and it’s difficult to move my fingers. My legs feel like jelly. But at the same time my muscles tense till it’s so uncomfortable I either want to puke or to cry or to scream. Or everything at the same time. In contrast to my body growing cold my head grows warm. Really warm. My throat and my jaw feel like I have a fever while all the muscles in my face get rigid. And it hurts when every muscle there is gets rigid. And then there is my heart. It beats so fast and forceful that it beats against my rips. Blood is pumped through my entire body with force and speed. And on top of that you can’t think straight. Your brain is caught in an endless spiral of terror.

I get it that it’s difficult to understand a panic attack if you never had one. There was a time when I couldn’t understand either. I remember that I once read about a woman who had to wash her hands constantly and couldn’t stop. I didn’t get it. I thought it easy to just not wash hands. But now I understand it. Because I can’t stop, either. My mother is worried about my hands because I wash them that often and that thoroughly. I understand now the pressure of phobias and OCD. You are a slave of your mind. Your brain dictates you how to react to certain things. It’s illogical and irrational most of the time. And you know it. But you can’t help it. So… to get back at the title of this post. It is relaxing to not be me. I hope you understand that now a little bit better. I don’t want any pity for my… condition. It’s my problem. And it’s made in and by my own head. Entirely my own fault. But it would be nice if people understood that not everybody lives that easily. There are things I can’t just do because it would trigger a panic attack. Normal things other people do all the time. Pick up a piece of food if it fell from the plate onto the table and eat it. I can’t do that. Or better, I could do it. But then I would have to wash my entire mouth with strong alcohol. While simultaneously having a panic attack. So, be glad if you can pick up food and eat it. Be glad if you don’t know the terror your own mind can bring you. Live your life easily. I wish I could.