We all do
it from time to time. We put on a mask because we don’t want people to know
what we’re thinking. Being polite is a mask most of the time. Pretending you like
your colleagues while you in reality want to throttle them. It’s all a mask.
And there is nothing wrong with that. It makes life easier.
But… what
if your life becomes the mask?
I recently
noticed that my life seems to be like that. Like I’m constantly wearing a mask.
And when I started thinking about it… well, it dawned on me that I’ve been
doing that for quite a while. I have to admit that I was never very good at
being myself around others. When I was still in school it was tedious being
myself. My classmates didn’t like me when I was myself too much. I was bullied
from time to time. But I now pinpointed the time when I began to consciously
wear a mask. It was in twelfth’s grade. It was after I was bullied and betrayed
by people I had called friends until then. Actually, it began during that
period of time. I didn’t want them thinking they had won. So I started wearing
a mask of indifference. It killed me inside. After every class I went to the
bathroom to fight my tears and my panic. And I wanted to cry. The worst part
was that I got easier. The first day was hell. We had a free period and my
friends went to town to get new socks because it was raining so badly and one ‘friend’s’
socks were soaked. They had been gone in a flash. When I caught up with them
and asked why they hadn’t waited for me they said, and I quote: “Don’t you know
when you’re unwanted?” That one sentence gutted me. They left me standing
there, all alone, on the verge of tears. It felt like someone had hit me in the
chest hard. I wanted to go home, go to my mummy and let her tell me she loved
me. Because apparently only my mummy loved me. Apparently I wasn’t lovable
enough for other people than my mother to like me. But I didn’t go home.
Goody-two-shoes I was I toughed it out and went back to school. I spent my free
period trying to reign in the tears and calm myself down enough to be able to
sit through the classes I had that day. That was the first time I decided to
put on a mask. I was so relieved that nobody noticed my inner terror. And I hated
it the same time. I hated that nobody apparently cared enough about me to see
through my poor attempt at calmness. They were okay with the explanation that I
was tired. I broke down that day when I came home.
And since
then I’m wearing more or less constantly a mask. It’s not beneficial to my
trust issues, I get that. But that episode hurt so much and damaged a lot of
self-confidence. I don’t want it repeated. And still there are very few people I
can be myself with. Most people don’t even do more than scratch the surface.
Most people think of me as a nice, polite and overall boring person. I’m exceptionally
good at schooling my face into a blank mask of polite niceness. I nod
sympathetically when they tell me about their problems and make all the
appropriate faces and noises of understanding. I listen with an interested face
when they are babbling about things I couldn’t care less about. I offer comfort
and advice without pause when asked. I smile and wave for greeting even when I want
to scowl and metaphorically bite they head off. I do as people ask me without
complaining most of the time.
When
someone says they are thirsty, guess who’s the first one going to fetch a drink?
Yep, me.
When
someone come to the group who’s moving to make space? Yep, me.
Who is
fading into the background when the situation calls for that? Yep. Again, me.
I’m
deceptive. I’m two-faced. But at the same time it feels like this mask of
politeness had become a part of me. Is it still betrayal when it’s ingrained to
deeply into me that it has become automatic? I don’t know. I really don’t. I
doubt I would be able to tell people to piss off anymore. I might think it but I
would physically be unable to tell them so. I don’t want to betray people like that
for the most part. It’s an automatism. I’m keeping people at arm-length for
self protection. My poor mind has learnt that people do not like me for what
and who I am and now it’s trying to protect me by creating a façade people do
not like but tolerate. I’m not liked the way I act. I think maybe
subconsciously people notice that it’s a façade, a mask, and are wary of me. But
they can’t find fault at me being nice and polite. There is nothing they can
put their finger on. So they have to tolerate me. And it’s better than the outright
rejection I experienced with my ‘friends’. I’m never in the center of groups
and I’m always the odd one out. But all of that is better than being told I’m
unwanted. Because that hurts.
But
naturally I want to fully belong. All people want that. I want to be able to
shed the mask and just be myself. I want to be accepted just the way I am and
even maybe liked. I don’t ask of people to love me unconditionally. But
sometimes a little bit of interest in my life and my problems would be nice. It
wouldn’t have to be genuine interest, even. I can’t ask for something I’m not
giving, right? But people could try and improve their pretending. Maybe it’s just
me who see through that because it’s what I do. Pretending. Maybe other people
think it’s genuine interest and concern. But I can tell it isn’t. It’s
pretending and it’s not well done. That bothers me. Why am always I the one to
do things properly? Why can’t others? It’s not like it’s easy for me to wear a
mask the entire time. It’s exhausting. But I do it. For very selfish reasons.
But why can’t people who don’t have problems with being liked for what they are
just use a bit of energy to create a better image of concern? Of interest? The
impression that they care? It’s not like they need that energy for hiding
themselves. But maybe I’m asking for too much.