Same old problem

I hate to start my blog with a post about me crying for three hours straight Wednesday but I feel the need to express my feelings about that. In my introduction I wrote that I’m socially awkward and am scared of people. It’s not only that. I’m seemingly unable to integrate myself into groups. Don’t understand me wrong; I’m trying. Oh, I’m so trying. But somehow I always end up as the odd one out. It was like that in school. It was like that in university. It’s like that with my work now. I’m working in a cinema, letting people in, cleaning up. For 7€ per hour. It has its advantages, of course. I get to see movies  for free and I can buy popcorn and something to drink for 1€. But it’s hard work. Running upstairs, running downstairs, lifting heavy thing, cleaning up when the clock is ticking in the background. And of course the ammount of people I have to interact with. I chose a job like that for now to teach myself that people aren’t that scary. That I can handle them. Well, I don’t have a problem with the people wanting to watch a movie most of the times. It’s my colleagues who are making me cry. I don’t fit in. And I don’t know why. I really don’t know. I’m nice to everyone. Really, I can’t recall one time when I ever said something unfriendly to them. I’m polite and if they are telling me to do this or that I’m doing it. I was prepared by my boss that it wouldn’t be easy to fit in because the team is tightly knit and for newbies it’s always difficult. So I first thought that it was just the rocky start. But it has never gotten better. I’m always doing everything wrong, I’m doing the wrong things and generally can’t satisfy anybody’s expectations. My mistakes are basically yelled through the foyer and if I do something because colleague 1 told me to then colleague 2 complains why I’m not doing another thing. I can’t clean up the foyer and look after the bathrooms the same time. Sorry.

So, Wednesday I had a talk with my boss. Turns out that I’m really the odd one out. Again. It’s my fault that my colleagues are nasty to me. Because I somehow don’t fit into the team. He couldn’t tell me what to change to my colleagues could accept me, though. And he said that people see I’m trying but it’s not enough. It’s not working. I wonder, what else can I do? My boss said if it stays the way it is then when my contract expires in February he cannot employ me any longer. Because I disturb the team’s peace. I told him I would try harder. I went home and cried. My tears  threatened to spill the entire time talking with my boss. On my way home I couldn’t stop them anymore and began to cry. I never cry in public. But Wednesday I did. And after hours of crying at home I wondered; why? Why should I try harder to fit in? Why is it my fault? Why just can’t they accept me as I am? Why is it my fault if they are making me cry? In public. I repeat; I NEVER cry in public. It’s embarrassing, it’s humiliating and attention-seeking. I hate people who think they can steal affection and pity by weeping in front of others. But they made me do it. And that was the one thing I can’t tolerate. It’s shaming to admit it but I would’ve probably tried. I would’ve tried to talk to them, to do better, to fit in. For the sake of the team’s peace. But no. I don’t want to. Why should I? They could take a little effort and try to accept me. Because I am just one human being. How hard can it be to accept the quirks of one person? I’m already leaving my more awkward tendencies at home. So why can’t they just tolerate who I am? I decided to leave the job in February. I don’t need it. I don’t need to be embarrassed, talked down to and crushed. And that’s what it is. It’s soul-crushing to hear that you don’t fit in. That you disturb the peace. That you’re not reliable when you in fact try so hard. My self-confidence is a very fragile thing anyway. I don’t need people stomping on it.